So why women are crazy & what to do about it

So .. much .. celullite 

So stuffing my face with junk food and alcohol (I am not proud of what I did this weekend) isn't such a great idea when dealing with monthly bloody issues (see what i did there). Life is not fair. Period.
To put aside violating thoughts of apparent fat accumulation, I thought trying out a pair of new jeans would alleviate my sorrow. I have never been so wrong in my life.
Bloated out of proportions, I was literally amazed and disgusted of the amount of celullite on my thighs.
Worlds most awful lighthing didn't exactly help. Don't they have special people who fix this consumer issue thingies or what?! (contemplating writing a serious note everytime I go to Bershka).

F... this, f... that (a crazy womans viewpoint)

 Quite frankly, I feel like I've fallen off track with almost everything. My nutrition, training, business. Most of these are just stupid thoughts, repeating monthly (at least not pregnant, hallelujah. Any silver lining would do at this point). I actually accomplished every business goal  I've set out to do this year - finishing the Precision Nutrition lvl 1 certification as we speak, have fully booked my fitness client schedule and soon diving in certifications required for work in Australia, where I'm moving in August.I still feel I don't do enough.
And sometimes, I still hate my body from the bottom of my heart, like today.
I cannot even find an appropriate insult for my productive organs right now. (The screaming devil-spawn in the grocery store only amplifies my sincere unaprecciation towards any human being under 15 years old.) I hate children when they're not quiet, seated and peaceful. Basically most of the time then. Well, there's that.

The birthday is coming up ...

I needed to go on a little rant, because well, here I can. (It's my party and I'll cry if I want to). Better than getting it out on my loved ones, when least expected. So I annoy myself. To the point of mount crazy.
Mount crazy isn't really a place one would love to go when having your uterus pierced (which is one of the reasons of my cheerfulness today.) Hormones went officially crazy this time. A week before my 25th birthday. Coincidence? I'd hope so.
No wonder, women are crazy. I am aware of the fact. I hold my sh*t together, all the time (at least I'd love to think so). Feeling sorry for myself is scheduled at about the same time every month - check! Hopefully, it doesn't last more than a week and I can be my best again soon.

What to do about it ...

A) If you're a woman: you're screwed, don't even try. Emotional roller coaster. Cry. Eat junk food. Repeat. No, but seriously now. You can do a little better than me.

Do:

1. Get protein. A palm of it in every meal (make it double when you're on the cycle!)

1. Get fiber. VEGGIE LAND HALLELUJAH. (I do hope you have a top 3 go-to options)

1. Get WATER. 2-4litres per day to say the least.

1. Have a little self-compassion. Any tiny bit will do.

Don' do:

1. Stuff your face with junk food and justify it with PMS.

1. Don't try out new jeans bloated. Ever.

1. Hate yourself even more. You're doing your best.

B) If you're a man, and have a woman by your side: 

Do:

1. Hug her.

1. Give her your jacket.

1. Hug her.

Don't:

1. Don't. Comment. Anything.

1. Don't give her chocolate and junk food. She doesn't need it.

1. Don't try to be rational. Most women aren't most of the time. Especially this time.

So there you have it -I would love to know, no matter if you're a man dealing with the woman, or the woman herself - how do YOU deal with all this?

Insta ljubezen, karamelni orgazem in kaj sem spoznala letos?

Sedemnajstega januarja sem zapisala: 

“Nekako sem med 'yolo, vse požri', 'hrana je darilo boga ter me boža' in 'kaj si prizadeta, kaj te delaš ti', prilezla do ugotovitve, da se občutno premalo zabavam. Pristno zabavam. Pristno, dovolj frekventno, zabavam.”

Dobre občutke sem marsikdaj iskala v hrani. In še vedno se zgodi, da jih. 

Karamela je tekla po prstih, ko sem bila z mislimi popolnoma nekje drugje, namesto, da bi občutila kako toplo objema moje telo. 

Voda. 

Včeraj sem si privoščila  mehurčkasto kopel in nekaj pralinejev preveč. Z užitkom.

Naučila sem se, kaj pomeni click-bait in še nekaj bolj pomembnega.

Nekje leto in pol nazaj,  je scenarij zgledal takole: Po 10 000 kalorijah (z lahkoto), bežanju po tretjo porcijo, brezsmiselnem vsakodnevnem grickanju (ker je pač tam) in verjetno stokratnikom sramu kasneje, me je udarilo zavedanje same sebe in svojih dejanj - če nisi lačen, hrana ne bo rešila problemov. 

Če si nisi všeč, če se nimaš rad, če ne maraš, kako izgleda tvoje življenje … Ga spremeni. 

In ne velja le za prehranske navade.

Nič ni odvisno od nikogar, razen od tebe. Če iščeš razloge v drugih, iščeš le izgovore. 

“Seveda nič ne gre po planu, ker imam premalo samodiscipline, da bi šla spat takrat, ko bi morala iti in zdaleč premalo samokontrole, da se zjutraj ob zvokih budilke ne bi prebudila še bolj utrujena in sitna, kot sem šla spat.”

Celo življenje in še trinajstega januarja, ko sem zapisala zgornje, sem bila prepričana, da nikakor nisem jutranji tip in nikoli ne bom. 

Danes lahko rečem, da lahko spremeniš vse, če si tega želiš in to počneš s pravim razlogom. 

Če sem ugotovila, da se premalo zabavam pa sem februarja tarnala nad zlagano družbo, socialnimi omrežji in pomanjkanjem prave povezave.

Vse to bi lahko vlekla v nedogled, pa tudi svoje strahove pred izpostavljanjem. Pa sem rekla, veš kaj? Ne bom. 

Marca sem bila prepričana, da nikoli ne bom potovala sama, ker me je strah. Kaj pa če, kaj pa če .... Kaj pa če, kaj?! Del novoletne resolucije je bilo več solo potovanj. 

Šla sem čez svoj največji strah in po samostojnem obisku Portugalske ugotovila, da vse skupaj pač ni en bavbav. In zakaj bi mencala in stopicljalala, če čas teče … Življenje pa je ena velika dogodivščina, ki ti kaj hitro spolzi skozi prste. 

Zato sem se odločila, da odidem v Avstralijo po svoje sanje. 

Čeprav sem tekom leta velikokrat izpustila meditacijo, še več krat utišala budilko, pa sem vsaj enkrat več naredila nasprotno. 

Spremenila sem se zase in se spreminjam še naprej. Kdor ne ras te, kdor se ne uči iz napak, kdor trpi zavoljo drugih s percepcijo, da je to ljubezen … Zamuja največjo ljubezen svojega življenja: ljubezen do sebe. 

Tako zelo smo prepričani, da nismo dovolj, da nič nima smisla, da nismo vredni, strah nas je, kaj bodo rekli drugi, predvsem pa smo prehitro zadovolj(e)ni in sigurno preveč iščemo validacijo drugih, in hkrati postavljamo njihovo ljubezen na piedestal  … Slednje pa je dovolj dober izgovor, da še malo čakamo na sovoznikovem sedežu svojega življenja, potem še čisto malo čakamo voznika, da spelje in globoko ležeče nezadovoljstvo skrivamo pod insta srečo. Na vrh vrednot postavljamo materialne stvari, objavljamo popolne slike poljubov in prevečkrat si še vedno ne verjamemo, da izgledamo dobro in da z nami ni čisto nič narobe.

Naučila sem se, da se lahko zabavam sama s seboj in ko bo čas, me bodo našli pravi ljudje, da se bom zabavala z njimi. Dobrih občutkov ne iščem več (le) v hrani. Vem, da je bila hrana le način za odlašanje. Zavlačevanje. Pred trdim delom na sebi, pred trdim delom za posel in pred najtežjim delom na kvalitetnih odnosih. 

V novem letu vam želim, da na svoje življenje pogledate iz druge perspektive in se lotite tistega, za kar vam igra srce, sprejmite svoje šibke točke in jih skušajte izboljševati. 

Predvsem pa, da nikoli, nikomur ne dovolite da zbija vašo vrednost. Še posebno, če ste ta oseba - sami. 

The reason I'm leaving home is ...

A lot of my peers are already experiencing the joys of raising a kid. That certainly is a reminder to experience the world differently, through kids eyes. The usual curiosity, wonder and awe about the world tends to fade when we start to slip into adulthood. A disappointing thought however, that you may, at some point, need a reminder to start living purposely.

To be in complete responsibility for another human being - brave shit, no doubt about that. Sometimes I'm not even sure I can be responsible for myself. At this age (btw I'm 24), I believe many people start to wonder where they're going in life, or - start slowly giving into fear. And the most frightening of it all - actually starting to believe they cannot be or have something they've always dreamt of.

It leaves me wondering: why people really give up on their dreams, so soon?

Too old, too late, too sloppy, uncapable, weak, unsuccessful, late, messy, angry, unconscious ... Are only some of the adjectives I'm coming by on a daily basis.

But I see so many wonderful, genuine, colorful, different, unique - people. Each one of them has their own beautiful features, and the flaws, well ... We all have them. So, why do we want to get rid of them so aggressively? We're too focused on what's wrong, always looking for another mistake to justify our beliefs. Finding another scratch, another wrinkle and another problem.

Dear whoever is reading this: know you're not alone. We all have doubt, we all have disbelief, we all start to feel dull, lazy, messy and sometimes misdirected. It is a part of the process we need to get through, but I beg you please - do not lose your spark. You just kept it hidden for so long, in some place you've already forgotten about. Whatever you're convincing yourself right now, know it's not your purpose, If you do not feel good believing it.

Always, ALWAYS, make time to enjoy things you love doing. Please take time to take a deep breath, and smell the winter air. Take a minute before bed and think about what you are grateful for. Know that you are privileged if you know you have a brand new day ahead. Keep your mind on the bigger picture and don't dwell on things that don't make you feel good.

The reason I'm counting last months in Slovenia is to create something bigger that myself. I need to spread the word, that you mustn't give up on your dream and you shouldn't listen to your fear.

It's a funny thing, fear just doesn't get you anywhere. It keeps you safe, but it keeps you in the same, comfortable place. You may beg to differ, but this one great life is given for so much more you can achieve, believe and give. The reason I am leaving in few months time to grow and appreciate more.

Never cease to create, and make love.

L.

You want to know where the biggest disappointment really comes from?

Rough couple of days. Usually we like to blame something, so I'll let this one pass on my pre-menstrual hormones. Sick, but not really. From time to time, I find myself slipping in the big dark pit, from which I've struggled so hard to get out. A heated conversation, ripping apart old wounds and there I am, once again.

Feeling like a little child - helpless, frustrated, misheard, misunderstood. My childhood probably wasn't so bad, but feelings don't lie, I guess. I was taught to hide mine, labeling them as wrong, useless and overreacting.

I always felt so much, and seen things that other considered plain. I could see how it connected, and it still is one of my biggest joys in life - to witness the beauty of it as it happens. Even when I find myself in the dark, I believe it's there to teach me something, and try not to resist it.

Try.

I can see clearer why it's so hard to get out, when you're in the middle of your panicked, fearfull, ancient brain survival mode.

"All you want to do is hide under 14 layers of fluffy blankets and eat warm bread. Make that with chocolate spread if you will."

As you lie there, just feeling pain cutting in your chest and replaying grim scenarios, your head instantly fills with - What if they're right?

What if I am wrong?

What if I'm not as capable?

What if I'll never be more than a row of dissapointments?

What if I realize one day, they we're right?

Being sick to my stomach from all the chocolate I've eaten contemplating these irrational shit, I slowly put myself together. I try not to just lie there, and get moving. Get work done, get anything done - on some days, just standing up from your bed will do.

______________________________________

I take time for myself, and let those thoughts just be. As they came, they go. I don't have to take them, I don't let them define who I am. Not even if they come from a source you should trust.

 Sadly, no one knows better than you. Not even your parents.

I guess we need people to show us what pain feels like, and dissapointments are a part of life. There's a need for downs in exchange for all the highs, and there's a need for feeling sad, so you can appreciate the better more.

Maybe I'm wrong for others, I'll always be right for myself.

Measuring capability is irrelevant, because who the fuck is a scale?!

Remember, you're capable ENOUGH, for yourself and for anything YOU truly want to be. Maybe you'll dissapoint others and they'll disappoint you. But if you're learning daily, if you are growing constantly, you're becoming better - you're already ahead. 

You want to know where the biggest disappointment really comes from?

It comes from not trying to be good enough exclusively for your own damn self.

Ultimately, nobody is wrong, they just see the world differently. Their reality isn't yours.
The best guide is to put trust in you - your gut, your feeling, whatever you want to call it.

Don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough, especially not yourself.

Česa smo v resnici lačni in opojni vonj parfuma

Nekje za očmi čutim pritisk in prva misel je, da odidem čimprej domov. Že tam nekje od poznega popoldneva se me drži utrujenost in rahla razdraženost. Ob vsakem, že rahlem občutku nelagodja bi nekoč posegla po nečem sladkem. Ker rabim cuker v žilo, takorekoč - da me dvigne.

In vseeno mi je za vse ostalo. Paše, kakopak.

Ustavim se, nekajkrat globoko vdihnem in razmislim, zakaj si tako zelo želim tiste čokoladice, čeprav sem pojedla uravnotežen obrok pred petnajstimi minutami in sigurno nisem lačna.

Mamljive kombinacije sladkega, slanega in mastnega, ki v naravi praktično ne obstajajo, v možganih sprožajo primarne sisteme nagrajevanja in krepijo vzorce, zaradi katerih posegamo po še. Ker stremimo po minimalni rezistenci in efektivnosti dejanj, sami sebe dobesedno naučimo ravnati avtomatizirano.  Kar sploh ni nič nenavadnega, zahvaljujoč preprostosti ter dostopnosti tovrstnih kombinacij v našem okolju. 

Ob raziskovanju svojih misli in vplivov na početje, ki me je tako zelo dolgo omejevalo, ugotovim, da so možgani precej samosvoje 'bitje'. Prehranjevanje, iskanje hrane in okoljski elementi, ki sprožajo prehranjevanje so tesno prepleteni z mehanizmi, ki bi jih skoraj lahko označili za popolno 'primitivno opičje ravnanje', vsaj glede na študije, ki jih predstavi Stephan Guyenet v knjigi The Hungry Brain. 

Kaj pa se zgodi, ko so avtomatska dejanja kriva za večanje obsega naših trebuhov?

Smešno. 

Čeprav sem že malce naveličana dneva in me prešine, da bom morala še nazaj do avta, se peš odpravim na drugo stran mesta, kjer obiščem Katarino v hiši parfumov. Po vedno prijetnem pogovoru mojo prezeblost napolni občutek topline. Moje čute izostri paleta mamljivih vonjev, in prepustim se raziskovanju. Ne morem skrivati pristnega veselja, ko mi prijateljica izkušeno priporoči vonj parfuma, ki mi je pisan na kožo. Zadovoljna, pot nazaj prehodim z dobrimi občutki in sploh ne opazim, da me zelo zebe.

Avtomatizirana dejanja, naše službe, standardizirane poti tja, nazaj, v trgovino, po otroke. Vse to nas pušča otopele. Ustavimo se za trenutek. 

Vdihnite. 

Izdihnite.

Ali vonjate približujoč zimski zrak? Ali zaznate vse note parfuma na vratu vaše najljubše osebe? Ali vidite, kako vas beg vstran od neprijetnih občutkov utrujenosti, naveličanosti, pravzaprav še bolj oddalji od tega, kar si želite? 

Bežimo v prikladnost, praktičnost, sproščenost. Hrana zagotovo nudi vse to. 

A nismo odvisni od hrane.

Ne od sladkorja. 

Ne od hamburgerjev.

Nismo lačni substanc, zaradi katerih skoraj vidno opažamo negativne spremembe naših teles. 

Verjetno je jasno, da je potrebno zaradi nekonvencionalnosti narediti majhen de-tour. Ko se nam ne da, smo preveč leni ali se preprosto premalo cenimo, da bi dobre občutke iskali v stvareh in ljudeh, v v ljubezni do katerih se skrivajo. Najti jih moramo v ljubezni do sebe in v disciplini odlaganja impulzivnega užitka, ki smo ga zaradi vselej razvijajoče inteligence sposobni ukrotiti. Obvoznica resda morda ni tako praktična, a le drugačna stimulacija in pristno občutenje trenutka je način, ki nahrani, ki nas dela žive.

Hvala, Kat :*

Personally personal, I hate small talk

After hitting the snooze button for the fifth time, ignoring the ringing of the mailman and somewhere between consciousness and mild dreaming, I’ve remembered the unsettling dream. 

I’ve remembered the feeling of being lost, scared and alone. Definitely not a warm thought, although I was still in the safety of my own bed. I have almost imagined, how life abroad would be … Then I woke up. I smiled to myself. My mind is playing tricks on me. I have the power of choosing the thoughts I’ll go with. Of course it will be scary, but there’s a world of energy, mindset and people I don’t think i can be apart of anymore - at least for some while. Some days, it makes me sick. Other days it’s alcohol. At least it turned out a great party on Saturday. 

Maybe I am naive but indeed I think I’m not the only one who is starting to realize the value of my own time investments. I’m becoming more and more selfish, on a daily basis. More than often, it’s a lonely world, or maybe I make it so? The more I’d like to give, the more I keep coming back to myself and to struggling with questions that just don’t seem to go away. Anxiety kicks in. Some days I cope, without coping with food. 

Slightly melancholic from the common poison also called liquor, I’d quickly get out of bed and off to a new day. I’ve decided to reschedule the meditation session for the afternoon. 

——

Going into the last quarter of the year, I’m still somehow suprised by the things I’ve actually  manage to change. Genuinely suprised at first, I came to realize that nothing is actually that hard to get, but only if you are 100% sure it will happen. It may sound like a cliche, but the things you aren’t achieving are the result of internal monologues. You keep keep winning sabotaging arguments against yourself, and somehow don’t even realize it. You get what you think you deserve. You get what you actually believe, subconsciously.  

Then there’s the how. While I’m really good at imagining things and outcomes, there’s the how factor. Some goals just require daily action and persistence. This is where my need of variety and constant change kicks me in the face. I don’t even know if all this makes sense. Wishing I’d feel better after I’ve write my feelings down, made me worse … 

This is where I’ll leave this today. Unsettled. This too, shall pass.

 

The inspiring plane crash

The seat suddenly sticks to your back like fly paper and your head fills with pressure. Your stomach drops. Your heart beats faster. This is it, maybe I die today. 

Nope, still here. 

Everytime the plane takes off, the thought of crashing comes to my mind. I smile to myself, as I think I'm not the only one.

 It merely a flash, a glimpse, and then it's gone. We're in the air and I start focusing on the adventure ahead. Goose bumps. But not from flying. 

It was on my bucket list for some time. And fore the first time, I've actually went through with my new years resolutions. It's a special kind of satisfaction, when you actually do what you wished for so long. Usually, I would find some reasons to justify my indecisive nature, but after a while,  this became an irritation. 

I want to, I wish to, I'm scared, I don't have the money, I don't have the time, I can't afford to leave my bussiness, when, someday ... What a bunch of bullshit stories. Sadly, many of those we start to believe. Not a bedtime story I'd look forward to. 

JUST GO FOR IT

I want to travel, but I don't want to do it alone. And I admire anyone who has done it. But me? No, I'm too scared. I'm just gonna stay here, on-line drool over amazing experiences people have and feel sorry for myself. I'm gonna tell myself all the reasons I can't be one of those people.

That's the way to fulfilment. Wait, what? 

Spending New Years eve all alone wasn't something I've planned to do, but as it turned out, it was necessary. It gave me time to think about what I want for the upcoming year. 

One of the scariest decisions was to quit a job I've been doing for almost 7 years and dive into the unknown. 

This, and the Atlantic ocean. 

In January I said fuck that and booked a flight. 

I always wanted to learn how to surf, so Portugal it is. 

THIS YEAR I WILL

After three months of working as a full time personal trainer, the only thing I ask myself is why the hell I haven't done this earlier. Because being scared and resisting welcome change also means staying in the 'known'. But that's just how it is, we fucking love the certainty. 

The majority of our suffering usually comes from holding on that which doesn't serve the purpose anymore. And with it, another story of how we should be content with that suffering, because living any other way isn't possible. I just don't buy that, sorry.

My appreciation of certainty, certainly goes a long way, but there's something thrilling about the unknown. The stuff around the corner. The chase and the wait. And the pursue of things that make your mind grow. 

Portugal was amazing. I've met dozens of interesting people, laughed my heart out, heard some fascinating ghost stories, and drank beer in the middle of Lisbon as sun caressed my cheek. I've battled with the waves, appreciated graceful Buddha statues, drank liquor from a chocolate cup in a beautiful historic town, learned how to stand up on a surf and haven't had a single regret about eating spoonfuls of Nutella, daily. 

I still struggle with emotional eating, more than I'd be happy to admit. I've managed to get past the point of bingeing, but it's a kind of pain I'm maybe not ready to let go of. The frustration remains and I've learned that more that I try to get rid of my insecurities with different challenges, the more they grow. I'll get where I want to be, eventually. So I let them, just be. I let myself, just be. 

BE INSPIRED ... AUSTRALIA AWAITS

There's a journey in front which I promised to share with you. I'm leaving next year, but until then, some goals remain to be crushed.  By all means possible, I want to inspire. Anything you truly want, is possible. 

Stop telling yourself bedtime stories and take the steps that need to be taken. Fear is a real feeling and some decisions are amazingly hard to take. But at the end of the day ... 

Isn't the feeling of our hearts beating faster with genuine joy all that we yearn for? 

Don't settle for less than every moment of your life.