You want to know where the biggest disappointment really comes from?

Rough couple of days. Usually we like to blame something, so I'll let this one pass on my pre-menstrual hormones. Sick, but not really. From time to time, I find myself slipping in the big dark pit, from which I've struggled so hard to get out. A heated conversation, ripping apart old wounds and there I am, once again.

Feeling like a little child - helpless, frustrated, misheard, misunderstood. My childhood probably wasn't so bad, but feelings don't lie, I guess. I was taught to hide mine, labeling them as wrong, useless and overreacting.

I always felt so much, and seen things that other considered plain. I could see how it connected, and it still is one of my biggest joys in life - to witness the beauty of it as it happens. Even when I find myself in the dark, I believe it's there to teach me something, and try not to resist it.

Try.

I can see clearer why it's so hard to get out, when you're in the middle of your panicked, fearfull, ancient brain survival mode.

"All you want to do is hide under 14 layers of fluffy blankets and eat warm bread. Make that with chocolate spread if you will."

As you lie there, just feeling pain cutting in your chest and replaying grim scenarios, your head instantly fills with - What if they're right?

What if I am wrong?

What if I'm not as capable?

What if I'll never be more than a row of dissapointments?

What if I realize one day, they we're right?

Being sick to my stomach from all the chocolate I've eaten contemplating these irrational shit, I slowly put myself together. I try not to just lie there, and get moving. Get work done, get anything done - on some days, just standing up from your bed will do.

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I take time for myself, and let those thoughts just be. As they came, they go. I don't have to take them, I don't let them define who I am. Not even if they come from a source you should trust.

 Sadly, no one knows better than you. Not even your parents.

I guess we need people to show us what pain feels like, and dissapointments are a part of life. There's a need for downs in exchange for all the highs, and there's a need for feeling sad, so you can appreciate the better more.

Maybe I'm wrong for others, I'll always be right for myself.

Measuring capability is irrelevant, because who the fuck is a scale?!

Remember, you're capable ENOUGH, for yourself and for anything YOU truly want to be. Maybe you'll dissapoint others and they'll disappoint you. But if you're learning daily, if you are growing constantly, you're becoming better - you're already ahead. 

You want to know where the biggest disappointment really comes from?

It comes from not trying to be good enough exclusively for your own damn self.

Ultimately, nobody is wrong, they just see the world differently. Their reality isn't yours.
The best guide is to put trust in you - your gut, your feeling, whatever you want to call it.

Don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough, especially not yourself.