Imam zgodovino kompulzivnega prenajedanja in zatiranja čustev s hrano. Jesti brez natančnega vodenja dnevnika prehrane, odsotnost potrebe po kontroli IN ohranjanje silhuete z meni sprejemljivo mero maščobnega tkiva je nekaj, kar mi je še zmeraj nedosegljivo. Šla sem skozi kar precej neprijetnih ciklov hujšanja in ponovnega pridobivanja kilogramov, vodenja in preračunavanja ter tehtanja hrane, kljub temu pa sem vedno imela težave z ohranjanjem stanja, ki sem ga s tem načinom dosegla. Moje (pre)sproščene vsakodnevne prehranske odločitve ponavadi pač niso prispevale k stanju zavesti in obliki telesa, ki si ga želim.
Bolj kot ne, sem večino časa svoje obroke zavestno in skrbno načrtovala, ter preračunavala dnevne vrednosti makro hranil – beljakovin, maščob in ogljikovih hidratov, skoraj do grama natančno, vsak dan. Skozi cikle hujšanja in kasnejše nekontrolirano pridobivanje telesne teže, sem na račun konsistentnega treninga z utežmi, pridobila določeno količino mišične mase in bistveno izboljšala svojo konstitucijo čez daljše časovno obdobje. Po svojem nedavnem 'dosežku' sem se spet naenkrat znašla s simptomi prekomernega vnosa sladkorja: lenobno počutje, 'megla' v glavi, moja koža ni več tako sijoča in težko se osredotočam. Nenazadnje, nazaj sem pridobila skoraj 4 kilograme in kljub temu, da se maščoba po vsakem tovrstnem ciklu 'dietiranja' vsakič razporedi vidno bolje, sem seveda, nezadovoljna. Kar je pravzaprav smešno, saj se na določeni točki zdi, da si lahko privoščiš karkoli si želiš, kadarkoli si to želiš in v nerazumnih količinah. Narobe. Zaradi tega sem se tokrat odločila, da k težavi pristopim drugače.
Po tem, ko dosežem pomemben mejnik v smislu svojih ciljev, se nekako vedno vrnem k nekaterim starim navadam. Čeprav vem kje so moje šibke točke, si odločitve nekako oproščam z izgovorom, da se bom s posledicami spopadala kasneje. Ker si pri izbiri hrane ničesar več ne omejujem, sem sebi pravzaprav s slednjim znova ustvarila problem. 'Privoščim' si precej bolj pogosto, kot bi to bilo potrebno in moja dnevna poraba energije enostavno ne zmore kompenzirati, kljub rednim treningom.
Recept za polomijo dobim, ko k temu dodam še nekaj družinskih dogodkov, kjer mi po defaultu popusti večina zavor, (pre)velik apetit, zmožnost konzumacije večjih količin hrane brez pretirano motečih prebavnih motenj ter zaloge cukra po bajti, ki kar naravnost kričijo, da poskusim njihovo kremasto notranjost.
Začneš se počutiti malce … puhasto. In kar naenkrat ne moreš več kriviti dejstva, da pač samo zadržuješ vodo. Če pustim izgled ob strani, že prej našteti simptomi poslabšanega delovanja organizma so dovolj, da se ne počutim dobro, da ne govorim o mentalnem stanju, v katerem se ponovno znajdeš.
Kot pri marsikomu, tudi moj odnos do hrane sega daleč nazaj v preteklost, celo v zgodnje otroštvo. Nekateri prehranjevalni vzorci so implementirani v našo podzavest že zelo zgodaj, podobno, kot nekatere dnevne navade, za katere se zdi, da se jih nikakor ne moremo otresti. Razlog stoji za tem, da te rutinske vzorce naši možgani prepoznajo kot najbolj učinkovite – zakaj bi porabljali energijo za učenje nove poti, ko pa je stara tako domača, usidrana, na videz enostavna in na dosegu roke? Je res v ozaveščanju problem? Kar se tiče prehranjevalnih navad, je to definitivno nekaj, na čemer moram delati. Zaupati svoji intuiciji, bolj zavestno in počasi jesti in graditi boljše navade – glede na to, da tehtanje in preračunavanje sedaj odpade.
Ker je navada zgolj vzorec obnašanja, ki se redno ponavlja in za katero se zdi, da se izraža podzavestno, lahko potemtakem gradimo nove navade zavestno in z njimi zamenjamo stare. Ampak stare navade res ne umrejo zlahka …
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FIGHTING OLD HABITS OR BUILDING NEW?
Why do I struggle with disordered eating? Why I eat the way I eat? Do naturally skinny people or so called easy losers have a different mentality regarding food? And once again it makes me wonder: is there a way for me where I don't end up starting the same old painful, dreaded, neverending cycle of weight loss and weight gain?
I have a history of binge eating patterns and emotional consuming. Eating without tracking, the absence of needing to control everything AND maintaining a lean figure is something I just couldn't imagine myself achieving. I went through many dreadful cycles of weight loss/fat gain, tracking and not tracking, but I've always had struggles with maintaining the state I was in. My actual daily lifestyle choices I were 'comfortable' with, weren't exactly contributing to the body state/type I am looking for.
On and off, I've continiously written and planned out my daily intake of nutrients or macros as we like to call them: protein, fats and carbohydrates. Through cycles of weight loss and weigh gain, thanks to consistency of lifting weights, I've earned a few kg's of muscle mass and significantly improved my phisique over a longer period of time. After my recent improvement I'm finding myself yet again with symptoms of a noticeable higher sugar intake: feeling sluggish, experiencing brain fog, my skin isn't glowy as much and it's hard for me to focus. Last but not least, I've gained 4 extra kg's, and although fat distributes back differently after each 'diet' cycle, I feel irritated. It funny actually, because at one point, you think you can actually get away with eating anything you want, anytime you want, in unreasonable amounts. Wrong. So this time, I've decided to take a whole new approach at this.
After reaching a somewhat good milepoint I constantly seem to go back to some old eating habits. By now, I know exactly what I'm doing wrong but I just can't seem to get it right for me. Since I'm not restricting anything anymore as I used to, I've seem to set myself to face another problem. I indulge far too frequenlty now and it's impossible for my energy expenditure to even it out, even with consistent workouts. Throw in a few family events, where my freaking 'today you can eat all you want' switch just uncontrolably turns on and the other days, various 'sugar fixes' lie around the kitchen just screaming for me to feel their creamy insides. Having a big apettite and the ability to eat large amounts without getting sick is a setup for disaster. You start to feel a little fluffy and before you know it, your thoughts go something like well shit, now we can't blame water retention anymore, can we. But seriously, apart from weight going up, the symptoms I've mentioned earlier make me irritated, too.
My relationship with food and self-image goes back to my childhood. Some patterns are psychologicaly ingrained from early ages, much like some daily habits we'd rather get rid of but struggle to, for they are recognized as most effective pathways by the brain. Is being more mindfull the key? Regarding food choices, I feel I certaintly need to follow my intuition and build better habits, since tracking and weighting everything is out of the picture now. Since habit is a routine of behavior that is repeated regularly and tends to occur subconsciously, we can make new habits consciously and replace the old. And old habits sure don't die easy …
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