Blogpost #4: Introduction

Nikdar prej nisem o prehrani razmišljala, kot razmišljam danes. Preden nadaljujem, mi dovolite, da se predstavim. To potovanje sem začela jeseni leta 2013, s specifično željo - preoblikovati telo. Takrat pravzaprav nisem vedela, kaj bi naj to pomenilo, niti kako do tega priti. Želela sem le izgledati dobro. 
Nič novega. Seveda sem postopala kot klasični laik in obravnavala problematiko kot nekaj, kar lahko rešim čez noč. Izbrala sem težjo pot, pričela sem z učenjem osnov in vsak dan je nudil novo priložnost. Kaj hitro sem se znašla potovati skozi življenje, brez da bi pravzaprav sama sebi zastavila specifične, realne in dosegljive cilje. Ni bilo vizije in nisem vedela, kaj bi pravzaprav želela doseči. Od življenja, od sebe, od drugih. Od nekdaj pa sem čutila strast do poznavanja biologije telesa in njegovega delovanja, zato sem po študiju kozmetike zbrano znanje povezala s stroko in napisala diplomsko nalogo o vplivih treninga in prehrane na delovanje telesa. Hkrati sem se udeleževala raznolikih aktivnosti na slednjo tematiko in počasi gradila mozaik znanja. Ne le, da sem sestavljala koščke znanstvenega področja fitnesa, učila sem se tudi o sebi. Fuzija življenjskih okoliščin - dobri in slabi odnosi z bližnjimi ter nevera v svoje lastne sposobnosti so vodili v nezdrav odnos s hrano. Frustracija in nejevolja sta bili glavni na jedilniku, ko se je zdelo, da pravzaprav nič ne deluje in da me čisto nič ne vodi tja, kamor želim priti. Ne rabim omenjati, da sem namenila ure in ure telesni aktivnosti, ki je seveda zaradi prehranske (ne)podpore mejila na nezadostno regeneracijo, posledično konstantno utrujenost. Mislila sem, da se prehranjujem optimalno za svoje cilje, kar je seveda na tisti točki bilo daleč od resnice. Zatem so prišli trenutki nesigurnosti. Trenutki dvoma. Bili so trenutki, ko sem trdno verjela, da ne zmorem, ker mi je nekdo tako dejal. Da ne zmorem, ker sem tako genetsko podkovana, ali zaradi kakšnega drugega banalnega razloga. Verjela sem, da nisem dovolj dobra, kar je rezultiralo tudi v kopico neuspelih razmerij, s čemer sem prepričanje le še podkrepila.
Prenajedanje je postalo visokofrekventna navada, zaradi skrivanja nezdrave hrane na različnih mestih pa sem se počutila še slabše, zato sem jedla na skrivaj. Po drugi strani nisem bila nikdar izrazito predebela, kljub temu pa je moja teža alarmantno mejila na kriterije nezdravega. Vsekakor nisem bila tam, kjer sem hotela biti. Najhuje od vsega pa me je morilo dejstvo, da sem pristala še na slabši poziciji od tiste, s katere sem začela. Morila sem se, ker nisem dosegla cilja - ki pravzprav že v osnovi ni bil realno začrtan - hkrati pa sem lastno bit znova in znova etiketirala kot definicijo poraza. Temu ne bi rekla depresija, vendar se na eni točki zares tako počutiš ...


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Never did I think about nutriton the way I do now. Before elaborating , I should start with an introduction. I started this journey in the Fall of 2013, when I was in my 20's, having a specific goal in mind - to get in shape. Back then, I didn't even know what that meant, I just wanted to look 'hot'. Same old, same old. Of course I did the classic rookie mistake of thinking about it as a quick fix. I wanted everything, and I would want it yesterday. I took the hard way, learning the basics, and each day offered a new opportunity. Somehow I found myself going through life, not exactly determining my own goals. Vision was blurry, and I still didn't know what I really wanted. From life, from myself, from others. Passionate enough, I found myself writing a diploma, based on affects of different principles of movement and nutrition on the human body. Simultaneously, I attented all kinds of activities, and was slowly learning. Not only putting the pieces of fitness science puzzle together, but also learning about myself. Fusion of life's circumstances, affected by close relationships and not firmly believing in my true potentials lead to an unhealthy relationship with food. Madness took place, when nothing seemed to work, needless to say I spent countless of hours excercising. I would overtrain myself and ate healthy (which I thought of as healthy at the time), and then came the low points of insecurity. Moments of doubt. There were times I firmly believed I couldn't, because someone said so. Because of genetics, or some other crazy bullsh*t reason. I believed I wasn't good enough, which would reasonate a number of failed relationships ... And so on. Stuffing my face with loads of food, hiding food all over the place, ultimately eating in secret. On the other hand, I wasn't ever really fat, as a result of my strenuous training sessions. But I definitely wasn't where I wanted to be, and uttermost, I went even further away from where I started. Beating up myself for not achieving a goal which wasn't even specific, and yet again perceiving myself as a failure. I wouldn't call it a depression, but I sure felt like one ...