After hitting the snooze button for the fifth time, ignoring the ringing of the mailman and somewhere between consciousness and mild dreaming, I’ve remembered the unsettling dream.
I’ve remembered the feeling of being lost, scared and alone. Definitely not a warm thought, although I was still in the safety of my own bed. I have almost imagined, how life abroad would be … Then I woke up. I smiled to myself. My mind is playing tricks on me. I have the power of choosing the thoughts I’ll go with. Of course it will be scary, but there’s a world of energy, mindset and people I don’t think i can be apart of anymore - at least for some while. Some days, it makes me sick. Other days it’s alcohol. At least it turned out a great party on Saturday.
Maybe I am naive but indeed I think I’m not the only one who is starting to realize the value of my own time investments. I’m becoming more and more selfish, on a daily basis. More than often, it’s a lonely world, or maybe I make it so? The more I’d like to give, the more I keep coming back to myself and to struggling with questions that just don’t seem to go away. Anxiety kicks in. Some days I cope, without coping with food.
Slightly melancholic from the common poison also called liquor, I’d quickly get out of bed and off to a new day. I’ve decided to reschedule the meditation session for the afternoon.
——
Going into the last quarter of the year, I’m still somehow suprised by the things I’ve actually manage to change. Genuinely suprised at first, I came to realize that nothing is actually that hard to get, but only if you are 100% sure it will happen. It may sound like a cliche, but the things you aren’t achieving are the result of internal monologues. You keep keep winning sabotaging arguments against yourself, and somehow don’t even realize it. You get what you think you deserve. You get what you actually believe, subconsciously.
Then there’s the how. While I’m really good at imagining things and outcomes, there’s the how factor. Some goals just require daily action and persistence. This is where my need of variety and constant change kicks me in the face. I don’t even know if all this makes sense. Wishing I’d feel better after I’ve write my feelings down, made me worse …
This is where I’ll leave this today. Unsettled. This too, shall pass.
